The Kid Who Ran For President

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I want you to delete my browser history before I die

browser

It’s definitely not what you think. I wouldn’t mind those weird porn videos showing up in my browser history, only that I have got the use incognito mode so no one is freaked out when they cannot believe that I watch “such” stuff and that it is not expected of me. Yeah, all of this is still a taboo. Anyways! That’s not why I want my browser history to be deleted.

Almost four years ago, I got my heart broken, the sort of broken heart you get when a college crush says they don’t like you and then they freak out and stop talking to you and you are heartbroken. Since I was just a kid and didn’t know how to cope, I randomly typed in some keywords to search if anything useful cropped up. That’s one thing about the internet. It pretty much has the answer to all your problems, even if they are not the “right” solutions. So, this is what I typed:

“how to get over a broken heart?”

The answers I got were pretty overwhelming for a kid. Like there was an article that said that you can never forget your first love. I was shattered. The only thing left to do was cry. So I cried my heart out.

You will come across many such things on the net that will mislead you into believing things that are not really right. The article said, “you can never really forget your first love”. What they forgot to tell me was how to identify what emotion it was that I was experiencing. Was it love? Definitely not. All those stupid definitions of love that crop up when you type in this keyword are full of crap. You know what love is? It’s simply wanting the other person to be happy whether or not you are a part of their life. That’s it.

Anyways! So, in the college itself I felt that the friends I got were not “real” friends. Again I typed in some shitty keywords and got the worst answer. The article, I guess, was titled, “How to distinguish between friends and fair weather friends?”. I read it. I thought all of them were fair weather friends. Now that I am grown up and know how to identify the emotion I am going through, I know that it was a very silly thing to do. They were supposed to be my buddies. A buddy is not supposed to be there in your hard times. He’s just supposed to share some experiences of your life and then leave, without any bitterness. It takes a long time to grow an old friend.

And believe me, my browser history hasn’t got any better. It has just become funnier. Like almost five months ago, I started stalking this one person and spent almost a day looking at his Facebook profile. Yeah, I know how silly that is. But I liked it. And it’s not a very terrible thing to do. But if I were to die the next day under some strange circumstances and some clever mind wants to see my browser history, they will pretty much call it a suicide and the next day newspaper would read “Another sad incident of one-sided love”. Trust me, my zombie would come alive and hit you in the head if you were to write any shit of that sort based on my stupid browser history. I would make sure that I keep a post-it always near me saying “I want my epitaph to read: My zombie is coming for you if you don’t delete my browser history at once.”

So a few weeks later, I typed in “I got drunk and talked about batman, does that make me weird?” I did not find any helpful answers. I just decided to stick with the fact that nothing is wrong with me. In any case, I will not forget to delete the browser history. Stop being judgemental about what I search for. Remember, it’s not who you are underneath, but it is what you do that defines you. Period.

Never ever check anybody’s browser history. Are we clear on that?